If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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