3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
