I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
