Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I lost the right to judge tonight
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
