also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
