i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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