don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
