I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize