i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
