I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
