did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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