I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
