i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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