turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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