Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
