I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
