I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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