he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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