I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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