maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mom said you looked used
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize