I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
