I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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