I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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