my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
