I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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