My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Drunk is a universal language darling
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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