one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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