Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
