I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
