So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
