if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
