...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
