So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
