I am puke
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
