The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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