'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
