I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
