I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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