i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
