I just saw a hot homeless man
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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