I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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