hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
