i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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