i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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