New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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