You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
