Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize