I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
