i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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