Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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