can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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