I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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