Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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