you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
