We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
