Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
