im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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