I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
