This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
