I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
