I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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