I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
